leah_sips

 

Don sent an email to the company today letting us know that he'll be on vacation this week (actual email pasted below). Nothing quite like a week of relaxing on Cape Code. I love Cape Code.


********************
I Will be out next week relaxing on the beaches of cape code. What I mean to say is entertaining my kids, so that my wife can relax. I won’t have email access but I’m sure Deirdra or Matt can help you with any needs from the edit room.

Thx and have a great week.

Don
don | a&g
editor & barefoot waterskier & lifeguard 
the arsenal on the charles, 311 arsenal street, watertown, ma 02472 usa
t. 1.617.972.0000  |  f. 1.617.972.0000 | e. don@a-g.com  |  w. a-g.com

Tuesday marked the annual office pilgrimage to the beach. Each year, we get a day of (forced) fun and activities at a private beach at Crane's Beach in Ipswich, MA. We all drive an hour and half to have our monthly company meeting, eat surf and turf (or the vegetarian equivalent - the veggie burger), cringe at the site of our coworkers in bathing suits and most importantly HAVE FUN (i.e. get drunk). I carpooled with Matt, Melissa and Andrea. Matt drove and despite our best efforts and numerous threats of having to perform a song and dance for the entire company, we were still late. We got there around 11:30 and I have first beer in hand by 11:31. Here's how the day went:

11:30 - 11:35 - Find bar, make friends w/bartender, decide between Sam Summer or Wachusset Blueberry. Tough decisions.
11:35 - 11:40 - Look for place to sit. Realize there are assigned seats and everyone has a buddy for the day. Nothing screams relaxing day of fun like awkward conversation with the Director of New Business.
11:40 - Beer
11:40 - 12:15 - Mingle. I stood in the corner with Ryan and made fun of what people were wearing.
12:15 - Beer
12:15-12:45 - Monthly All-Company Meeting (Known as Heads Up). 5-year awards are handed out to the Lifers
12:45 - Lunch Buddy acquires me beer. Score. I could get used to this buddy thing...
12:45-1:30 - LUNCH (and beer)
          I was fortunate enough to have everyone's favorite coworker Don at my table. Yay! And he was having the lobster! Can't wait to see what crazy hijinks ensue with this.
          Don: Hey. Does anyone know what the liquid in this little container is?
          Intern: That's water.
          Don: Really? I thought it was butter.
          Intern & my lunch buddy, in unison: No. That's water. It's not butter
          Don: Oh. I've been dunking my lobster in it. I thought it was butter.
          Intern: Ha ha. Nope. It's definitely not butter. The other container with the yellow liquid is the butter.
          Don: Ha ha ha. Hey. I've been dunking my lobster in the water. Hey Deirdre (his boss), I thought this was butter and I dunked my lobster in it. Ha ha.
          Me: hey Don, you don't need to tell everyone. You can just quietly switch and start using the butter
1:30-4:30 - FUN! (and BEER)      
          Acceptable fun activities include:
Volleyball Tournament
Sitting in the poorly-constructed beach chair we received as a gift.
            A sub-activity of this is laughing when your overweight coworker and pregnant lady who sucks break the chair.
Putting on your bathing suit and taking a refreshing dip in the ocean
Coworkers watching you apply sunscreen
         Unacceptable activities include: 
Not playing in the volleyball tournament
Not sitting in the chair
Making fun of people for putting on their bathing suits in front of their coworkers
          Highlights from the day include:
Gary, the EVP of Creative Services getting wasted, falling down and breaking a majority of the bones in his hand
Two guys voted most likely to wear a visor,  wearing visors. Guys in visors = Douchebag

4:30-7 - Drive home, making stops at the a farm store and wine stand for wine tasting and homemade apple donuts. Another stop to use a gas station bathroom where Melissa won't let Matt out of the store until he hugs her. She then tells me to make sure we don't leave without her. A third stop for (bad) pizza. Get stuck in traffic. Melissa and Matt get into a huge fight while we're over an hour from home. Awkward silence for the rest of the ride.
7-Bedtime - Get home, shower, look at sunburn, sit on couch thinking you should go to bed, but don't want to actually move.

Bad news! Don's debit card was confiscated by his wife. He had a few to many over draft penalties last week, so his wife took his card away and put him on an allowance. When he told me this, I said, "Well, if two people are drawing out of one checking account, I'm sure it's impossible to keep track of how much money is being spent." Nope. This was his own personal account because his wife would never let him have access to the family's checking account.
Oy!

I work with this guy. We'll call him Don McRuley. Don just turned 40, is married, has two kids and lives in the suburbs. He's a video editor and actually very good at his job. He's a nice enough guy and always asks how you're doing and if you had a nice weekend. Standard office coworker kind of questions. But there's one thing about Don. Just one thing. And it's that he's not very smart. He's actually the least smart person I've met in a long time.

We've been known to eat lunch together in the office kitchen. And the things he says are completely unbelievable. So  I need a place to write them down and mock them. Don't get me wrong. I mock him plenty when he says these things, but there comes a point when it's just plain mean, so I must stop.

Here (in no particular order) are some of my favorites:

"I really only get tan when I'm in the sun" (As opposed to the tan some get at nighttime?)

Me: Does anyone here think the moon landing was a hoax?
Don: I do. I don't belive anyone really walked on the moon.
Me: Really?! Why? I find the topic so interesting. (I wonder if he actually knows what I'm asking)
Don: Because I think it's a government cover-up (i think we established that when you said you thought it was a hoax, jack ass)
Me: But what makes you think that? Have you seen evidence that made you believe that? Something with the video footage? Or a news report? (Did I really have to explain that to him?)
Don: I don't think we had the technology back then to land on the moon. I think the orbits are real. No doubt about that. And if it happened, how come we only landed on the moon once? (No doubt about the orbits, but the landing isn't possible. Let me think about that for a bit.)
Me: Well, there were several moon landings, but not since the early 70s. (That's his reasoning? Really?)
Don: No. There was only one. (There were several - five or six)

"I really want to put a bookcase in a doorway between two rooms in my house and make a secret passageway. It would totally work in my house." (WHAT!?!?!? You're a 40 year old father of two. These are things you want to spend your time on?!)

Don: ...Well that's because I'm allergic to wheat
Me: WHAT!? You are NOT allergic to wheat Don. (This guy is an effing idiot. WTF is he talking about?)
Don: Yes I am. Why do you think I don't drink beer?
Me: Well I didn't know that, but you eat pasta almost everyday for lunch. You just had a sandwich on wheat bread. (OMG! I seriously can't believe him. What is wrong with him)
Don: Leah! Pasta's not made out of wheat. It's made out of flour.
Me: WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!? Where the fuck do you think the flour comes from, if not from wheat?
Don: Well I didn't have wheat bread. I had white bread. So that's not made out of wheat. My wife started making the sandwich on the wheat bread and I told her I couldn't eat that because of my wheat allergy, so she put it on white bread. (Clearly your wife is humoring you because it's easier than trying to explain basic concepts, like what wheat is, to you. You really are just stupid.)

Consider this an on-going list that I will update as things come up. Don't be surprised if there are updates on a daily basis!

MEMO

ATTN: Pedestrians
FROM: Common Sense
SUBJECT: Your Safety

As a driver I am more than happy to stop and let you cross the street, crosswalk or no crosswalk. However, I am not able to stop and let you go if I don't see you. If I am driving on a busy street, I ask that you stop, look and wait for the appropriate time before crossing. I ask that you not just walk into the middle of the street without looking. By taking these small steps, you are helping to ensure the safety of not only me and other people on the street, but you are helping to preserve your own life and limb. If for some reason you are not able to stop and looking before carelessly wandering into the middle of traffic, I ask for your assistance in not stopping in the middle of the road to let me know that you are in fact walking. I see that you are walking and that is why I didn't run you down with my car. Furthermore, while you are stopped in the middle road, it is requested that you kindly put your middle finger down and refrain from telling me to go fuck myself. As mentioned earlier in the memo, I am more than happy to stop if you are visible and if it doesn't endanger the lives of everyone else in general vicinity.

I was just checking my online bank statement and saw a $10 charge to a place called Reservation Rewards. I had no idea what that was, so I called the number on the statement to see. I gave them my name and they couldn't find me. I gave them my zip and they couldn't find me. I asked them what they did and the surly man said that they are "a service that provides discounts to products on the internet." I thought about asking why I had to pay $10 if this was supposed to be a savings to me, but decided to not be a wiseass. Then the guy asked for my email address and Eureka! They found my account. Under the name of Justin Burton!!!!!

Justin! What did you do and how did you get my credit card number?!?!?!?!?!

I've hit rock bottom. All it took was a few days of having a cold and one day with no voice. I just watched American Idol for the first time. I thought they all pretty much sucked. Except for the guy who sang Day Tripper and even that was only mediocre. And now I'm completely digusted with myself for even writing about this. ::sigh""

Gary (or anyone who happens to know the answer to this), how come soap operas still have new episodes? Are they shot way far in advance? Or are the fine writers of daytime dramas non-union writers? What's the deal?

And I know that they are still new episodes because I watch General Hospital at 10pm on SoapNet many nights.

Dear Nintendo DS,
Oh, how I love Diner Dash. Flo and I are totally bff.  But why, oh why, must you be so stylus-centric?  I like pushing buttons, not waving wands. ::sigh::
Sincerely,
The League of Flo's Friend

Pro - Made tarts for Thanksgiving dessert. Pumpkin-maple and chocolate-raspberry. Both look and smell delish!
Con - I totally underestimated how long it would take and spent waaay more time than I thought I would. Also underestimated the amount of dishes this would use. Oh dishpan hands, what will I ever do?

Pro - I got a new job and start in a week!!
Con - I already used up that first paycheck on car repairs.  There is an even longer list of repairs needed, but I only did what the guy at the shop said I needed to make it through the winter

Con - With all of the repairs, I'm seriously thinking of trading in my little Petunia in the spring.  :(
Pro - I'm getting excited about the prospect of a new (or newish) car. Maybe one that has a bit of zip. Oh my!

Pro - My new job comes with a nice little raise!
Con - With a car payment looming, I won't really be seeing any more moneys

Pro - It's Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks.  And eat a big dinner with your family.
Con - Have any of you met my family? 'Nuff said. Plus, no stuffing or cranberry this year. We're making crepes (don't ask how that happened) for dinner. But I did buy some stuffing and cranberry fixins for later in the weekend, so I'm not a total commie.

Pro - As of 6pm tomorrow night I should be done with family commitments until Christmas
Con - Can we really find a con with that one?

This year I am thankful that this list had more pros than it did cons.