I work with this guy. We'll call him Don McRuley. Don just turned 40, is married, has two kids and lives in the suburbs. He's a video editor and actually very good at his job. He's a nice enough guy and always asks how you're doing and if you had a nice weekend. Standard office coworker kind of questions. But there's one thing about Don. Just one thing. And it's that he's not very smart. He's actually the least smart person I've met in a long time.
We've been known to eat lunch together in the office kitchen. And the things he says are completely unbelievable. So I need a place to write them down and mock them. Don't get me wrong. I mock him plenty when he says these things, but there comes a point when it's just plain mean, so I must stop.
Here (in no particular order) are some of my favorites:
"I really only get tan when I'm in the sun"
(As opposed to the tan some get at nighttime?)Me: Does anyone here think the moon landing was a hoax?
Don: I do. I don't belive anyone really walked on the moon.
Me: Really?! Why? I find the topic so interesting.
(I wonder if he actually knows what I'm asking)Don: Because I think it's a government cover-up
(i think we established that when you said you thought it was a hoax, jack ass)Me: But what makes you think that? Have you seen evidence that made you believe that? Something with the video footage? Or a news report?
(Did I really have to explain that to him?)Don: I don't think we had the technology back then to land on the moon. I think the orbits are real. No doubt about that. And if it happened, how come we only landed on the moon once?
(No doubt about the orbits, but the landing isn't possible. Let me think about that for a bit.)Me: Well, there were several moon landings, but not since the early 70s. (That's his reasoning? Really?)
Don: No. There was only one.
(There were several - five or six)"I really want to put a bookcase in a doorway between two rooms in my house and make a secret passageway. It would totally work in my house."
(WHAT!?!?!? You're a 40 year old father of two. These are things you want to spend your time on?!)Don: ...Well that's because I'm allergic to wheat
Me: WHAT!? You are NOT allergic to wheat Don. (
This guy is an effing idiot. WTF is he talking about?)Don: Yes I am. Why do you think I don't drink beer?
Me: Well I didn't know that, but you eat pasta almost everyday for lunch. You just had a sandwich on wheat bread.
(OMG! I seriously can't believe him. What is wrong with him)Don: Leah! Pasta's not made out of wheat. It's made out of flour.
Me: WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!? Where the fuck do you think the flour comes from, if not from wheat?
Don: Well I didn't have wheat bread. I had white bread. So that's not made out of wheat. My wife started making the sandwich on the wheat bread and I told her I couldn't eat that because of my wheat allergy, so she put it on white bread.
(Clearly your wife is humoring you because it's easier than trying to explain basic concepts, like what wheat is, to you. You really are just stupid.)Consider this an on-going list that I will update as things come up. Don't be surprised if there are updates on a daily basis!